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Announcement

Hi guys…I’m medicated now, so I’ve decided to RESTART MY 99 DAYS.

New and improved 99 Days starts Monday, August 20.

Haven’t decided if I’m keeping my lists, but there will be regular posts and some actual talk about coping with depression and anxiety, not just talking about myself.

Thanks for sticking around!

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Day Logs

Day Log: Day 38-42

I am going to a walk-in clinic Saturday to ask about medication.

I mean. Things aren’t terrible. Sunday went better than Saturday. Monday was better. Wednesday I got my invite to apply for residency.

But at the same time, I’m not okay. I’m tired. I’m not eating. I’m not motivated. I just…think everyone would be better off without me. (But not dead.) The paranoia is growing. I’m sure everyone at work thinks there’s something wrong with me- some undiagnosed disorder. I feel uncomfortable just asking questions. I feel like I’m being judged. I’m afraid to talk to anyone.

It’s not cheating. It’s not going against the spirit of 99 Days. The point was to hate myself less and I think at this point I really do need to ask for professional help from a different doctor. I don’t want this to be a permanent solution, but I think now that I’m struggling to keep up with communicating at work I need to just…accept that I can’t do this alone.

 

Day Logs

Day Log: Day 37

Has anyone here seen Final Space? It’s on Netflix. It’s really good. I was honestly expecting a rip-off of Futurama.

It’s nothing like that. I love it.

So…I watched that today. I made myself go to the store. I read. And…that was it. I’m not functioning well. I sat in bed until 5pm. My legs burned when I went outside because I’d been sitting for so long. I convinced myself to do some dishes. I wasn’t allowed to get back into bed until I cleared my bed of all the random crap and threw away all my dirty tissues.

I can’t really write. I want to have a discussion about this with you all. Talk about coping.

But tomorrow. I can’t today.

Day Logs

Day Log: Day 36

Do you believe in karma?

I used to. It made sense. Everything has energy, everything is caused by something else…Newton’s law of conservation of energy… in my mind, Karma fit into this. Just a different kind of energy.

I’m less of a believer now.

This has seriously been one of the more difficult periods of my life.

We have ROACHES.

Roommate and I were moving a few boxes over in preparation for the Big Move.

We were there for 30 minutes.

We killed 11 roaches and a bunch of little tiny bugs.

We have to call exterminators.

We will probably have to postpone the movers.

We have one apartment with no floors or doors, and another with pests.

What the flip did we do to deserve this?

I know. Karma isn’t reaaaal. Because how do you explain starving children and abandoned dogs and whatnot?

I don’t know. It just feels like somewhere, we messed up, and now we’re being punished for it. Which we can’t figure out. I was even super nice to Sienna today. With no motive. She was there and I was nice.

Or maybe we didn’t do anything. Maybe this is the bad stuff before the good things happen.

I hope my good karma is fantastic. A handsome guy, a good job offer, my student loans magically paid off…

Actually I should probably use it to do good. I want some dogs adopted. Some kids fed. A dry place to have rain. Someone sad to have a hug.

In case karma is real, I send all my readers good vibes. This internet stranger is genuinely hoping something nice happens to you today.

Day Logs

Day Log: Day 35

Ladies and gentleman (and those who are neither or both), we are proud(ish) to present THE NEW LIST

(click here to see, if you actually care)

So clearly the old list was not working out. I often became overwhelmed with trying to do it all, and incredibly frustrated when my schedule was messed up (like with this whole fire/moving thing!). It has been rearranged. There are things I should be doing daily, and things that can be re-arranged as needed per-week. I can get more done if I’m not locked into day by day. But some things were important to do daily. Like….play with my cats. I bought them to help with my depression, and it’s unfair on them if I’m too sad to play.

The list won’t be super complete today, though; I’m moving still, and have to get up at 6 to go to Service Ontario. UGH.

 

Day Logs

Day Log: Day 33

So my friend got a new planner. You’re supposed to take a quiz first, and it tells you your brain type, and then it produces a planner that will fit with that. The planner is not the relevant part of this; the quiz is. It said I’m an Oracle. “Oracles lead with an abstract internal process.” Also, it totally called me out on the fact that I try to do too much at once without a plan. Anyway, one of the things the planner website suggested was that people of my brain type should try to take the time to have daily gratitude. 

So…I guess that’s something I’m going to try from now on.

Today, I am grateful that none of our things were damaged in this situation. And that the truck this morning was paying attention when that other cyclist forced me across the road.

Apparently, it’s been about a month since I started this. I’m not really feeling like I’ve improved, if I’m going to be totally honest. Overall, I’d like to re-evaluate how I’m doing the 99days project. I think I should shrink my daily goals list, and change some of it to weekly goals. This way I am less pressured to do everything in such a short span of time. I can spread things out and not feel guilty if I have to rearrange my schedule. I will still get all my things done, but it can also be more at my pace, since as we have seen, my life has been terribly unpredictable lately.

One of the things I’ve noticed during my packing is I have a ton of……crap. I don’t have the time or headspace to sort through it now- given the nature of the situation, my goals are shove it in boxes and GO…but I’d like to make sorting through things a weekly task. I do plan to move again soon, and I’d like to be rid of some of my…well, junk. And crafting things. I should really make some of these crafty things. And pillows. I owe a lot of people a lot of scarves, too. So those will all be prioritized more. Weekly organization, weekly crafting, weekly art.

I’ll be making my new updated list over the holiday weekend, after I move.

If you want to find out about the EVO planners go here, and this is a blog about my brain type. I am not being paid to advertise. I don’t even own a planner from them.

Day Logs

Day Log: Days 27-32

I know, it’s been like a week.

I don’t like whining on this blog. This is supposed to be about me improving, not a place to cry about things. Last week was not a good week, and I honestly could not come up with anything to say that was not negative or a rant.

So let’s refocus. It’s Monday. It is a better week. I got my work permit. I applied for my residency; there should be drawings next week. Roommate and I got an apartment; it is not the one we wanted, but we will not be homeless. They were okay with Roommate being on the lease, and me just…existing there with money. Our insurance is covering the movers.

(Also, it’s been a week without Sienna!!)

So it’s improving. Things usually do get better. I’m just terrible at coping when everything happens at the same time.

This week will be packed (haha get it? Because I’m packing? No?) and most of my list is being ignored for a different list: ALL THE THINGS TO DO. We begin our move Wednesday, and Saturday the movers come. I will not be posting this list for you guys to keep track of. Just know that it is going to have to get done if I want to move. Mostly packing. And renewing my SIN, and my health card, and doing my overtime at work.

I’m getting tired just thinking about it.

That’s my update. I will be posting updates this week, I really will.